Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
