We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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