did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
