This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
