Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We smell like vodka and hangover
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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