if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
