you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
