i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
