Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
