The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My liver just had a heart attack.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
