Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
