I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
