omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
