he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
