I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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