I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
