I cannot find my penis.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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