I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
