Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
