bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
