I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
