dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
