well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
