Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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