Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
