New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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