Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
