she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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