I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
