Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
