I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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