I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
