i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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