Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
