when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
