Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
