I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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