How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
