So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
