just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Who died my cat blue again?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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