my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
