I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
