I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
