I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
FUCK WHALES
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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