I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were destined to go to rehab together
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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