Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
