I will die if light touches me.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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