My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
