I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
