there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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