i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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